My Struggle (with Facebook)

I have a complicated relationship with Facebook. It's not what you would call a love-hate relationship, because I don't love it - I feel worryingly dependant on it. I do, however, hate it. A lot of it is because of this feeling of dependancy - as well as many other reasons that I'm about to skim over. 

Before I go any further, I am fully aware of the irony of writing a blog about the downfalls of Facebook, which I am sharing on Facebook. But that's part of the problem - it makes you think you can't function in normal life it without it, as it's one of the few easy ways you can distribute your thoughts - which to be fair, is a positive in a lot of ways. Arguably more democratic. But still, it's democracy on Facebook's terms.

In the halcyon days, before Facebook - or 'b.f.' as I will call it from now on - social interactions that weren't face-to-face were conducted via text or email. If I could help it, I personally wouldn't answer a phone to speak to anyone. Partly because I come across like a moron on the phone, and partly because I feel someone ringing me is the height of rudeness - instead of a ringtone, the phone might as well be shouting "PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEE". 

I have not, as yet, got over this aversion to phone calls, as my nearest and dearest will be all too aware. I like to think it adds a bit of mystery though, although no one else seems to agree with that assessment.  

But anyway - emails and texts were fine. Brief (unless I was feeling particularly self-indulgent, which I often am), personal and 'no pressure'. What I mean by 'no pressure' is that, although the person who has been emailing you for last month pleading with you to answer their original email may be putting you under pressure, you don't get notifications from Hotmail reminding you to email your friends if you haven't done so recently. Which is why Facebook irritates me - the feeling of guilt, that you're neglecting your friends; a few lines of computer code and automated notifications are making me feel bad as a person! That email you get if you haven't logged in for a while or suspended your account: John is missing you; Jane is missing you.

Are they though? 

Periodically, I flirt with the idea of leaving Facebook for good. Thoughts go through my head like 'could I cope?' How would I communicate with people if I left Facebook? And then I remember, I spent approximately 22 years of my life without Facebook. Although, to be fair, not entirely successfully from a social perspective! But I got by, you know. Perhaps it's also a matter of not entirely trusting that people would bother contacting me if I left - though that's more to do with my self-esteem than me underestimating people! 

I did suspend my account for a few weeks a while back - just to see if I could. A little bit like an alcoholic who may go without for a few weeks to prove they're not addicted. It worked ok, and as I wasn't idly checking Facebook on my phone every thirty seconds, I felt somehow freer. But then, I thought to myself, 'I'll reactivate my account and just check it every so often, now I've reigned myself in it will be fine - I'll only check it once a day'. Like that was ever going to work. Gradually, I checked it more often, then reinstalled the app on my phone - then I was back in with a vengeance. 

So close!

The interesting (/scary) thing about Facebook is the ability to to be kept in the loop of people's lives, without saying anything to them, or them directly saying anything to you. There are people I haven't contacted in years, but if they're sufficiently active, I can fill in the gaps over those years with a stream of status updates. Is that a good thing? Should you be peeking in on people's lives if you're not actually 'proper' friends? Perhaps not, but that's how things work now. 

Now, I'm not placing myself above anyone else - I'm still trapped. Maybe more than a lot of others. That's why I resent it! It's not just the fact I can snoop on my friends, it's also an ego thing - how many people like my status update? Has anyone commented on my photo? It's really made me annoyed with my neediness. And whatever happened to mystery?!

I'm not even going to go into details about the stupid, self-indulgent shallowness of it all - maybe some other time. 

I look ahead to the next 10-20 years, and I think to myself - how are our social interactions going to be more controlled and standardised? Facebook, ubiquitous though it is now, will be replaced with something all the more social, vibrant and whizzy in not too many years. A new paradigm will come, and Facebook will be on the scrapheap with MySpace, Friends Reunited and email. Part of me looks forward to that with glee; but most of me is terrified! 

But still, you don't see me leaving, do you...?